I know I am a little late on this of the review. But this idea came to me yesterday while I was organizing the new posts and commuting in a train from one of my bestie’s home to the place I am staying in Valencia. Music is a huge part of my life, I relate songs to people, to moments, to feelings and I use it as my own and personal escape vial.
If I had to resume the year 2014 in only one word, that would be: CHANGE. Change in capital letters because my life was sooo different a year ago. Change because I took some of the most important steps in my life. Steps that sometimes felt as a mistake and sometimes as the best option but always what I wanted or needed to do.
And here we go, twelve songs for twelve months, feelings, people or moments:
January: Hold on – Alabama Shakes.
The first week of the brand new 2014 Mr Funny and I finished our long-lasting relationship. He was the boy of my life, my first love, my first everything, and even today, more than a year later, I cannot imagine myself loving someone as much as I loved him. And not only that, January is the month of my finals, so I had to stay focused and ignore the heartache, the loneliness (living miles away from home and don’t see my family was difficult, really difficult at this point) and Hold On. The good news: I managed to pass a few exams.
February : The love we had – Joss Stone
February was the month I let myself to mourn, just a little bit, what had happened at the beginning of the year. I say just a little bit because I didn’t do it at all. I just had a few moments of deep crying and anguish. I missed him a lot, but that’s all. I put my feelings inside a box and hid it under the bed. One day I landed by chance on this song and suddenly I started crying for the first time since we took the decision, and I’m talking about hours of weeping here. From that day on, that song became THE SONG of the break up.
March: Freedom – Anthony Hamilton & Elyna Boynton
March passed by without any interesting things. I enjoyed my freedom as much as I hated it and this song made me think of it as something I had to endure until the missing feelings stopped. I was looking for freedom, a freedom I didn’t have yet because I didn’t feel free. I made many mistakes and I needed to forgive myself before being able to.
April: The dog days are over – Florence and The Machine
April, the month I started to feel better. Well or at least that’s what I thought by then. I began to enjoy doing things by myself (one of my greatest achievements): I went running by myself, enjoyed being alone at home and that freedom that made me do anything I wanted, any time time I wanted, without giving any explanations or having to count any one else. Discovered new things about my character and started thinking on what I really wanted to do by my own, realized that my plans of future were fundamentally based on what an other person wanted to do. Never before had stopped to think about me and only me. The dog days were over, I was by my own on this crazy, overwhelming but amazing life.
The song? It was on my running playlist and it makes me remember how good it felt when I finally decided to do things alone.
May: Beautiful – Christina Aguilera
May was pretty much alike April: I felt exuberant because of my recently discovered self-sufficiency and was completely focused on the next finals season, which started the last week of May. Although I started taking exams on April.
By then, my sister Carla, the one on the photo of the dog, was taking singing lessons and had a performance the weekend of my birthday. I spent it on Barcelona with her and our other lovely little sister so I was able to go see her. She sang this song and she did it so well! I felt so proud of her, I felt joy and happiness, I even cried a little bit. My emotions were in a roller coaster…
June: I want to break free – Queen
In the middle of the finals season, with so much work to do… Always sitting and studying, always confined at home without doing anything else. The only thing I could think of? Yep… Freedom, holidays, finish my degree. I wanted to break free so much!
July – The road to home – Amy Mcdonald
July, the month I moved back home. The same day I did my last test, started packing my things. A whole life. My mom came to help me and we spent the next three days packing everything. Finally I was closing a big chapter of my life (not completely, because I had 4 subjects left) but it was a closure indeed. July was also the month my cousin got married.
Finally things started to feel on their place even when I was still longing for the friends I had left behind.
August: Zombie – The Cranberries
I spent the biggest part of August working at the office, it was a bad summer, the weather didn’t feel as summer at all. It was cold and we didn’t enjoy much the swimming pool or any activities. I was rehearsing with my band for a Country/Rock festival we were going to perform at. And I was seeing someone. It felt so busy!
Zombie was on the repertoire of our concert and, when I sang it in front of the sparse crowd present, something inside of me changed. I felt an estrange force inside me, some kind of energy that made me realize that I was made for this. That I needed this. Suddenly I understood that I needed to sing in front of people, that even being as shy as I am wanted to share that energy that I had found.
September: Walking on the moon – Cas Haley version
Well, September… September was the high moment before the downfall. That someone and I, well mostly me and because I pressured too much, started “something serious”, if I can call it like that. I was happy because the energy inside me I recently discovered. I was literally Walking on The Moon. Every time I listened to this song I smiled, everything was going so fine! I was somewhat happy. But the last week of September my house of cards collapsed: my band dissolved, Mr Anonymous started acting really distant and treating me like crap and I started to feel dreadful.
October: Redemption Song – Bob Marley
My life was going down, but at least it was in a linear way: I wasn’t singing anymore, Mr Anonymous decided that he wasn’t able of loving me (something I should have known from the beginning) and I was starting to loathe the not-so-demanding work I was doing. I was feeling worse every day and I knew something was going on. I felt tired, so tired of everything. I just wanted to rest, slow down. Spend my days on bed. And so, I went to the doctor, because I thought that maybe something about my health was not OK. At the end of the month I was diagnosed with depression and again, everything inside me changed. But the best part of this month? I finally found out what do I want to do with my future.
This Redemption Song says nothing related with my feelings at that moment but I listened to it a lot.
November: Cups – Anna Kendrick
November has two phases: The first ten days I felt like crap. Being diagnosed felt even worse than actually being depressed. I didn’t know how I had become so sad, I didn’t understand why. And I didn’t want to accept it. I hated this new me, so weak and unbalanced. Then I started to realize that in order to heal my heart and mind I needed to accept my new situation and work on feeling better. So the second phase of November consists on me working on me: I started go swimming, spent time with friends more often, indulged myself, went to see the therapist, looked for ways of keeping anxiety at bay without involve any drugs, I started my singing lessons again… But I still spent too much time feeling bad and thinking about it.
Fortunately there were good things too. A guitarist asked me to try singing with him (Oh thank God!), we met a couple of times for rehearsing and we are rehearsing again when I come back home after the finals. And the most beautiful and sweet minded person showed his interest for me. Somehow, I managed to appreciate the good things that happened.
The soundtrack? Well, I challenged myself and spent many hours learning how to sing it.
December: Love Interruption – Jack White
I completely love this song and it sort of explains how I felt, and in fact feel, about love. I was enjoying my dates with Mr Sweet and I liked him a bunch but I was scared. I decided to let it go, to don’t worry about the future, to just enjoy the moment. But I was starting to feel anxious about my finals and this unbalanced me again, I started arguing with my family and started to ask him for too much attention too soon. And that was too bad. And then I came to Valencia for the finals season.
In conclusion: Even though 2014 has been a tough year, I changed my life and grew up a little, I initiated my path to a better understanding of my own person and that’s something to celebrate! (Let’s see the positive in the negative, cha know?)
You can listen to the complete playlist here if you want.