Mood’s Music #8 – The importance of enjoying being alone

A few days ago I met with a really loved friend for dinner. This sweet girl and I meet once or twice a week and have really deep conversations every once in a while. We are really alike and understand each other very well, reason why we share stuff we don’t share with anyone else.

On one of our meetings last week we started talking about love and dating and she told me something that got me thinking all week long: We are two people that are OK by ourselves, we are happy (or relatively, as much as life allows us, do you know what I’m talking about?), but we feel as if we were in a relationship we’d be happier.

Since my diagnosis, I’ve been putting a big effort on being happy, reading books, looking for information and working hard on activities that help my happiness emerge (I’m making big progress here), and my dear friend made me think about something I’ve been putting aside for a while.

Thinking about this was hard, because it is true, there was a time when I needed to be with someone to be happy. There was a time, not so long ago, when love was perhaps my most pursued goal. A time when people asked me “don’t you have a boyfriend yet? How old are you?” and the first thought on my head was: “Oh for God’s sake! I’m still young! There is time enough for me to find a mate.”

But not anymore.

In order to enjoy being with someone, we need to enjoy being with ourselves first. Not to have this neediness of love. Not to think our happiness depends on another person. Love is something that will come in the correct time and with the right person. But if not, if it doesn’t come, it will be OK, because it’s not necessary on our lives. Love is only another way of being well.

Love is one of the best parts of life, I’m not saying the contrary. But healthy love and healthy relationships is what we need.

Share your thoughts about this topic with me.

Happy Tuesday!

Mood’s Music – A year in review

I know I am a little late on this of the review. But this idea came to me yesterday while I was organizing the new posts and commuting in a train from one of my bestie’s home to the place I am staying in Valencia. Music is a huge part of my life, I relate songs to people, to moments, to feelings and I use it as my own and personal escape vial.

If I had to resume the year 2014 in only one word, that would be: CHANGE. Change in capital letters because my life was sooo different a year ago. Change because I took some of the most important steps in my life. Steps that sometimes felt as a mistake and sometimes as the best option but always what I wanted or needed to do.

And here we go, twelve songs for twelve months, feelings, people or moments:

January: Hold on – Alabama Shakes.

The first week of the brand new 2014 Mr Funny and I finished our long-lasting relationship. He was the boy of my life, my first love, my first everything, and even today, more than a year later, I cannot imagine myself loving someone as much as I loved him. And not only that, January is the month of my finals, so I had to stay focused and ignore the heartache, the loneliness (living miles away from home and don’t see my family was difficult, really difficult at this point) and Hold On. The good news: I managed to pass a few exams.

February : The love we had – Joss Stone

February was the month I let myself to mourn, just a little bit, what had happened at the beginning of the year. I say just a little bit because I didn’t do it at all. I just had a few moments of deep crying and anguish. I missed him a lot, but that’s all. I put my feelings inside a box and hid it under the bed. One day I landed by chance on this song and suddenly I started crying for the first time since we took the decision, and I’m talking about hours of weeping here. From that day on, that song became THE SONG of the break up.

March: Freedom – Anthony Hamilton & Elyna Boynton

March passed by without any interesting things. I enjoyed my freedom as much as I hated it and this song made me think of it as something I had to endure until the missing feelings stopped. I was looking for freedom, a freedom I didn’t have yet because I didn’t feel free. I made many mistakes and I needed to forgive myself before being able to.

April: The dog days are over – Florence and The Machine

April, the month I started to feel better. Well or at least that’s what I thought by then. I began to enjoy doing things by myself (one of my greatest achievements): I went running by myself, enjoyed being alone at home and that freedom that made me do anything I wanted, any time time I wanted, without giving any explanations or having to count any one else. Discovered new things about my character and started thinking on what I really wanted to do by my own, realized that my plans of future were fundamentally based on what an other person wanted to do. Never before had stopped to think about me and only me. The dog days were over, I was by my own on this crazy, overwhelming but amazing life.

The song? It was on my running playlist and it makes me remember how good it felt when I finally decided to do things alone.

May: Beautiful – Christina Aguilera

May was pretty much alike April: I felt exuberant because of my recently discovered self-sufficiency and was completely focused on the next finals season, which started the last week of May. Although I started taking exams on April.

By then, my sister Carla, the one on the photo of the dog, was taking singing lessons and had a performance the weekend of my birthday. I spent it on Barcelona with her and our other lovely little sister so I was able to go see her. She sang this song and she did it so well! I felt so proud of her, I felt joy and happiness, I even cried a little bit. My emotions were in a roller coaster…

June: I want to break free – Queen

In the middle of the finals season, with so much work to do… Always sitting and studying, always confined at home without doing anything else. The only thing I could think of? Yep… Freedom, holidays, finish my degree. I wanted to break free so much!

July – The road to home – Amy Mcdonald

July, the month I moved back home. The same day I did my last test, started packing my things. A whole life. My mom came to help me and we spent the next three days packing everything. Finally I was closing a big chapter of my life (not completely, because I had 4 subjects left) but it  was a closure indeed. July was also the month my cousin got married.

Finally things started to feel on their place even when I was still longing for the friends I had left behind.

August: Zombie – The Cranberries

I spent the biggest part of August working at the office, it was a bad summer, the weather didn’t feel as summer at all. It was cold and we didn’t enjoy much the swimming pool or any activities. I was rehearsing with my band for a Country/Rock festival we were going to perform at. And I was seeing someone. It felt so busy!

Zombie was on the repertoire of our concert and, when I sang it in front of the sparse crowd present, something inside of me changed. I felt an estrange force inside me, some kind of energy that made me realize that I was made for this. That I needed this. Suddenly I understood that I needed to sing in front of people, that even being as shy as I am wanted to share that energy that I had found.

September: Walking on the moon – Cas Haley version

Well, September… September was the high moment before the downfall. That someone and I, well mostly me and because I pressured too much, started “something serious”, if I can call it like that. I was happy because the energy inside me I recently discovered. I was literally Walking on The Moon. Every time I listened to this song I smiled, everything was going so fine! I was somewhat happy. But the last week of September my house of cards collapsed: my band dissolved, Mr Anonymous started acting really distant and treating me like crap and I started to feel dreadful.

October: Redemption Song – Bob Marley

My life was going down, but at least it was in a linear way: I wasn’t singing anymore, Mr Anonymous decided that he wasn’t able of loving me (something I should have known from the beginning) and I was starting to loathe the not-so-demanding work I was doing. I was feeling worse every day and I knew something was going on. I felt tired, so tired of everything. I just wanted to rest, slow down. Spend my days on bed. And so, I went to the doctor, because I thought that maybe something about my health was not OK. At the end of the month I was diagnosed with depression and again, everything inside me changed. But the best part of this month? I finally found out what do I want to do with my future.

This Redemption Song says nothing related with my feelings at that moment but I listened to it a lot.

November: Cups – Anna Kendrick

November has two phases: The first ten days I felt like crap. Being diagnosed felt even worse than actually being depressed. I didn’t know how I had become so sad, I didn’t understand why. And I didn’t want to accept it. I hated this new me, so weak and unbalanced. Then I started to realize that in order to heal my heart and mind I needed to accept my new situation and work on feeling better. So the second phase of November consists on me working on me: I started go swimming, spent time with friends more often, indulged myself, went to see the therapist, looked for ways of keeping anxiety at bay without involve any drugs, I started my singing lessons again… But I still spent too much time feeling bad and thinking about it.

Fortunately there were good things too. A guitarist asked me to try singing with him (Oh thank God!), we met a couple of times for rehearsing and we are rehearsing again when I come back home after the finals. And the most beautiful and sweet minded person showed his interest for me. Somehow, I managed to appreciate the good things that happened.

The soundtrack? Well, I challenged myself and spent many hours learning how to sing it.

December: Love Interruption – Jack White

I completely love this song and it sort of explains how I felt, and in fact feel, about love. I was enjoying my dates with Mr Sweet and I liked him a bunch but I was scared. I decided to let it go, to don’t worry about the future, to just enjoy the moment. But I was starting to feel anxious about my finals and this unbalanced me again, I started arguing with my family and started to ask him for too much attention too soon. And that was too bad. And then I came to Valencia for the finals season.

In conclusion: Even though 2014 has been a tough year, I changed my life and grew up a little, I initiated my path to a better understanding of my own person and that’s something to celebrate! (Let’s see the positive in the negative, cha know?)

You can listen to the complete playlist here if you want.

Happy Monday!

Mood’s Music #6: Creep

A few months ago I posted a short text saying how tired I felt without any reason and I stopped being around for a while. Then, lots of things happened: I went to the doctor to see if there was anything wrong, they asked me lots of questions, they did a complete check, they found nothing at all, they sent me to the psychologist, she asked me a tone of questions (again) and at the end, I was diagnosed with depression.

At first I didn’t understand anything: ME? DEPRESSION? Oh no, that’s not possible… I’m such a strong-minded girl! But… You know what? Maybe being sad is not bad, sometimes we need to mourn, not only people but also events. And the fact of putting your feelings in a metal box and hide it on the darkest corner of your heart never helps mourning.

Being strong is also being capable of analyse and understand your feelings. Being strong is to stand face to face with those things that make you feeling bad. Being strong is to embrace when you’re feeling Creep and allow yourself draw out that sadness.

Now that I am feeling better (meaning that I have more good days than bad ones) I realize that the worst part was being diagnosed. When the doctor told me about my condition it was a big strike, once I accepted it and started working on my feelings and the reasons why I was so sad there was a big progress on my mood.

So, today I want to invite you: If you ever feel creep, embrace it, talk about it with someone (professional help or a friend, I’ve been doing both), analyse it, but don’t overdo, get to the core of the problem and start working on solve it. But also keep in mind you have to be ready to face the problem and you’ll never solve anything if you aren’t willing to.

Now, if you ever (EVER) need to talk, I’ll be round here. Sometimes talking with people who’s going to understand or with a complete stranger is easier than with our close ones. Send me an email and I’ll be glad of hearing about you.

Let’s start enjoying life.

Mood’s Music #5: Changing

 

On one of my last posts I told you I was going to share here the reasons why I’ve been so absent the last couple of months… I’v already said that there have been a lot of changes, changes that I’m still digesting and changes that have not ended yet.

Since Mr Funny and I split our paths at the beginning of the year, my life has been in a spiral of changes that are leading me to what I hope will be my brilliant future. I’ve finished my degree (that’s not completely true but almost, I only have a couple subjects left), I’ve come back home, I’ve spent the summer working at an office, I’ve decided to start a business (surprise, surprise!)

So, my life has changed so much since January! I’m still getting used to be at home again, to work in something non-math related, to have an 8 hour workday and not spend looong hours studying. I’m still getting used to the cold of the mountains instead of the heat of Valencia, still missing my friends from there and reconnecting with my friends from here.

What I find most shocking is the way it feels so scary and at the same time fulfilling. I feel insecure, I don’t really know if I’m doing it right, but, at the same time, I feel brave. Mixed emotions that make me live everything more intensely, so much that sometimes is even frightening.

Today I came up with a song in this mood: change. This song describes more or less the way I’ve been feeling lately. Hope you enjoy!

Enjoy your Thursday!

Mood’s Music #4: Stress

The last few weeks have been a nightmare for me. I feel the pressure of finishing my degree on every test I take, I barely eat, sleep or do anything non-studying related. I’ve lost weight, I’m losing hair, I feel ugly, nervous and tired. Actually I am a complete mess…

Stress is getting away almost all my energy and I often feel like I’m losing my mind in any minute. But I only have a week left and then, after packing all my things and moving back home, I’ll be enjoying a few days of rest. So only seven more days under this pressure and then I’ll be enjoying a tiny bit of summer. Also, my mum is coming soon and helping me pack all my life, so I’ll be enjoying some quality time with her. Let’s say anything is slowly coming back to its place.

Mood’s music #3: Not such a good day

There are good days and not so good days. There are days you think you’re conquering the world and days you feel so tiny that everything feels scary. Bad days just happen and we have to deal with them the best way we can: sometimes eating chocolate, sometimes listening to some music, sometimes we only need to feel the heat of our loved ones.

Today’s one of those awful days for me, I’m in a bad humor, feeling sad and pulled by a string of negative thoughts that undermine my self-esteem. Just a bad day, you know?

Although I am usually a very positive person, there’s plenty of personal stuff I have to deal with and guess the stress of the finals being around the corner and that feeling I have of not being capable of pass all the exams are increasing my negative thoughts, making me feel more tired and gloomy than I’m used to. Also, when I feel like that I usually stop talking with people and I don’t tell anyone how I am feeling so end up feeling more alone than I really am. That’s embarrassing to say, but I am some kind of jerk in this area: I don’t usually tell anyone when I am feeling sad. I’m not the kind of person who asks for help when it is really needed… I am such an idiot. You see? Bad feelings all around.

While I deal with my shitty way of communication when I am sad, I always need a positive message to stick with and luckily, music helps me through everything and there’s always a song that makes me smile or think about better times. So, today I picked the song that has been my positive message those last months, the message that I need on that kind of day: Hold On.

Is there a song that helps you through bad days?

Mood’s Music #2: Sisters

Oh man, today I’m off the BEDM schedule… yes, today’s post was supposed to be about walking to work (college in my case) but If I walk to college I would spend more than an hour doing it and well, I’m really busy lately… So instead of it, I thought it would be nice to post another song.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my sisters. There’s always been a special bond between us, we’ve always loved being together, enjoyed similar hobbies and had fun just hanging out. With them I’ve laughed until my stomach hurt, shouted every possible insult and felt the luckiest child in the world.

As a matter of fact, I was really protective with them when we were little. I guess that’s because I am 5 and 6 years older, loved them very, very much and didn’t want them to be harmed. But what I’ve been realizing the past few months is something that makes me feel full of joy: right know our sister’s relationship has become the most fulfilling friendship that I’ve ever known. Even being miles away of each other, we find the time to talk via Skype and talk for more than an hour about how our day was or what did it happen with who.

Today I want to dedicate this post to these two pretty faces. Just because they’ve been so supportive those last rough months. They never judge me, I can tell them anything that crosses my mind whenever it crosses it and they’ll be open to my craziness. They give me all the love and want all my love back. They know how to make me smile when tears wet my face. They make me blow matches when there are no birthday candles. They give me that comforting embrace when I’m feeling lost, without need of saying anything, they just notice. They tell me the truth I need to hear.

My sisters, my friends, I love you.

Today’s song is one that summarizes our current relationship. It’s our song, and I wanted it to be here. I wanted everyone knows that we are the three musketeers.


Five fave posts


It’s been a while since I wrote my first post. I like to navigate once in a while around my blog and read old posts, I like to see how the writing and appearance evolved. Today I made a selection with the 5 posts that I’m most proud:

  • DIY recipe box. This project was on my mind for a couple years, since I saw my sister Alejandra with one she had bought. I absolutely loved the idea and wanted to have one of my own, but after a few months of unsuccessful search I decided to DIY it. It took more than a year for me to make it and it was thanks to start my blog. Also I love the result and I’ve been filling it with new recipes.

 Cooking Fridays: Chocolate and Caramel Cupcakes + DIY decorations!

  • Chocolate and caramel cupcakes. This one was very important for me because it was while celebrating my sister’s 18th birthday. The printable and the cupcakes, was everything so lovely!

  • Mood’s Music #1. When I decided to start sharing more with you and also when I learned how to take decent selfies with the camera. (Hard work, you know?)

  • Easy croissants with chocolate. Everyone liked this post, I posted it on Facebook and I got more likes than ever and of course, I’m really proud of them :).

  • DIY photo wall. Last but not least, this is my little baby. The project I enjoy the most, the one I see everyday and makes me smile. My inspiration wall.

It was difficult for me to only choose 5 posts but at last I did. Hope you have a wonderful Friday.

Mood’s music: #1 Hey I love music!


I think the time has arrived, on my last post (yeah, it was looooong ago) I let you understand I was willing to share some more of my private life, maybe use this blog as a diary. I wasn’t sure about all this idea because it’s hard to think what part of my life may interest you, but then I remembered why I started writing here: wasn’t it because of me? Right now I need to write, write a lot, and meditate about my life and what my next steps are. So, with this post I’m starting a diary, a diary where I’ll share some of my deepest thoughts and concerns but also my happy moments and good news.

Guess you’ll be thinking why is she calling this series of posts Mood’s Music and not mood’s diary? Well, you’ll read a deeper explanation right below but let me ask you a question: Isn’t it easier if you sweeten it with some music? Every week I’ll choose a song to share with you as a recap of my thoughts (or just a song I’ve been listening to o recently discovered), that way I’ll be explaining myself better.

Everyone should have something that helps them run away real world, something that no matter what’s going on around or the problems you have, it always makes you feel happy, something you feel inspired about even on your worst days. I found my “something” last year when I started my singing lessons.

Music has always been a big part of my life, I’ve been playing piano and flute since I was 13,  love dancing, have a soundtrack for everything that happens to me, I match every person with a song that remembers me of a certain memory with them… (is this a bit freaky?) It’s deep inside of me.

But when it comes to singing this feeling becomes way more intense. It doesn’t matter how my day was, what bad things happened or if I am sad, when I sing everything else disappears and I find comfort after a couple of songs. Singing makes me really, really happy and it helps me express my feelings the correct way. I found my something and I’m really glad about it.

The song I chose today is one I’ve been working on at my singing lessons. The message is not really positive but I LOVE this song and wanted to share.

What about you? Let me know what your “somethings” are.