Mood’s Music #8 – The importance of enjoying being alone

A few days ago I met with a really loved friend for dinner. This sweet girl and I meet once or twice a week and have really deep conversations every once in a while. We are really alike and understand each other very well, reason why we share stuff we don’t share with anyone else.

On one of our meetings last week we started talking about love and dating and she told me something that got me thinking all week long: We are two people that are OK by ourselves, we are happy (or relatively, as much as life allows us, do you know what I’m talking about?), but we feel as if we were in a relationship we’d be happier.

Since my diagnosis, I’ve been putting a big effort on being happy, reading books, looking for information and working hard on activities that help my happiness emerge (I’m making big progress here), and my dear friend made me think about something I’ve been putting aside for a while.

Thinking about this was hard, because it is true, there was a time when I needed to be with someone to be happy. There was a time, not so long ago, when love was perhaps my most pursued goal. A time when people asked me “don’t you have a boyfriend yet? How old are you?” and the first thought on my head was: “Oh for God’s sake! I’m still young! There is time enough for me to find a mate.”

But not anymore.

In order to enjoy being with someone, we need to enjoy being with ourselves first. Not to have this neediness of love. Not to think our happiness depends on another person. Love is something that will come in the correct time and with the right person. But if not, if it doesn’t come, it will be OK, because it’s not necessary on our lives. Love is only another way of being well.

Love is one of the best parts of life, I’m not saying the contrary. But healthy love and healthy relationships is what we need.

Share your thoughts about this topic with me.

Happy Tuesday!

Fitness Update – 07/02/2015

With the start of the new year, I posted my 2015’s goals. One of them was to stay fit. I want to take a serious exercise routine. I want to feel better physically and mentally speaking, but sometimes it is too easy to get lost on the daily life and not to find the time we need to workout and lose motivation too soon.

In order to avoid my lake of interest in the next few months I’m going to keep track of the changes in my body so I can come here to find any motivation when needed. It is not that I am really worried about my appearance but I’m pretty sure that in case I need some extra help that won’t hurt.

So today I’m starting some kind of “fitness diary”, I’ll post a photo every Saturday with the same clothes.  I’ll be working out on Cassey’s plans and practicing some yoga by my own.

Now… here goes the first picture of my not-so-cultivated body (I wasn’t really confident about the picture but hey! This is me)

 

Sorry ’bout this first picture, I hadn’t my camera on hand when taken!

Happy weekend! 🙂

Mood’s Music – A year in review

I know I am a little late on this of the review. But this idea came to me yesterday while I was organizing the new posts and commuting in a train from one of my bestie’s home to the place I am staying in Valencia. Music is a huge part of my life, I relate songs to people, to moments, to feelings and I use it as my own and personal escape vial.

If I had to resume the year 2014 in only one word, that would be: CHANGE. Change in capital letters because my life was sooo different a year ago. Change because I took some of the most important steps in my life. Steps that sometimes felt as a mistake and sometimes as the best option but always what I wanted or needed to do.

And here we go, twelve songs for twelve months, feelings, people or moments:

January: Hold on – Alabama Shakes.

The first week of the brand new 2014 Mr Funny and I finished our long-lasting relationship. He was the boy of my life, my first love, my first everything, and even today, more than a year later, I cannot imagine myself loving someone as much as I loved him. And not only that, January is the month of my finals, so I had to stay focused and ignore the heartache, the loneliness (living miles away from home and don’t see my family was difficult, really difficult at this point) and Hold On. The good news: I managed to pass a few exams.

February : The love we had – Joss Stone

February was the month I let myself to mourn, just a little bit, what had happened at the beginning of the year. I say just a little bit because I didn’t do it at all. I just had a few moments of deep crying and anguish. I missed him a lot, but that’s all. I put my feelings inside a box and hid it under the bed. One day I landed by chance on this song and suddenly I started crying for the first time since we took the decision, and I’m talking about hours of weeping here. From that day on, that song became THE SONG of the break up.

March: Freedom – Anthony Hamilton & Elyna Boynton

March passed by without any interesting things. I enjoyed my freedom as much as I hated it and this song made me think of it as something I had to endure until the missing feelings stopped. I was looking for freedom, a freedom I didn’t have yet because I didn’t feel free. I made many mistakes and I needed to forgive myself before being able to.

April: The dog days are over – Florence and The Machine

April, the month I started to feel better. Well or at least that’s what I thought by then. I began to enjoy doing things by myself (one of my greatest achievements): I went running by myself, enjoyed being alone at home and that freedom that made me do anything I wanted, any time time I wanted, without giving any explanations or having to count any one else. Discovered new things about my character and started thinking on what I really wanted to do by my own, realized that my plans of future were fundamentally based on what an other person wanted to do. Never before had stopped to think about me and only me. The dog days were over, I was by my own on this crazy, overwhelming but amazing life.

The song? It was on my running playlist and it makes me remember how good it felt when I finally decided to do things alone.

May: Beautiful – Christina Aguilera

May was pretty much alike April: I felt exuberant because of my recently discovered self-sufficiency and was completely focused on the next finals season, which started the last week of May. Although I started taking exams on April.

By then, my sister Carla, the one on the photo of the dog, was taking singing lessons and had a performance the weekend of my birthday. I spent it on Barcelona with her and our other lovely little sister so I was able to go see her. She sang this song and she did it so well! I felt so proud of her, I felt joy and happiness, I even cried a little bit. My emotions were in a roller coaster…

June: I want to break free – Queen

In the middle of the finals season, with so much work to do… Always sitting and studying, always confined at home without doing anything else. The only thing I could think of? Yep… Freedom, holidays, finish my degree. I wanted to break free so much!

July – The road to home – Amy Mcdonald

July, the month I moved back home. The same day I did my last test, started packing my things. A whole life. My mom came to help me and we spent the next three days packing everything. Finally I was closing a big chapter of my life (not completely, because I had 4 subjects left) but it  was a closure indeed. July was also the month my cousin got married.

Finally things started to feel on their place even when I was still longing for the friends I had left behind.

August: Zombie – The Cranberries

I spent the biggest part of August working at the office, it was a bad summer, the weather didn’t feel as summer at all. It was cold and we didn’t enjoy much the swimming pool or any activities. I was rehearsing with my band for a Country/Rock festival we were going to perform at. And I was seeing someone. It felt so busy!

Zombie was on the repertoire of our concert and, when I sang it in front of the sparse crowd present, something inside of me changed. I felt an estrange force inside me, some kind of energy that made me realize that I was made for this. That I needed this. Suddenly I understood that I needed to sing in front of people, that even being as shy as I am wanted to share that energy that I had found.

September: Walking on the moon – Cas Haley version

Well, September… September was the high moment before the downfall. That someone and I, well mostly me and because I pressured too much, started “something serious”, if I can call it like that. I was happy because the energy inside me I recently discovered. I was literally Walking on The Moon. Every time I listened to this song I smiled, everything was going so fine! I was somewhat happy. But the last week of September my house of cards collapsed: my band dissolved, Mr Anonymous started acting really distant and treating me like crap and I started to feel dreadful.

October: Redemption Song – Bob Marley

My life was going down, but at least it was in a linear way: I wasn’t singing anymore, Mr Anonymous decided that he wasn’t able of loving me (something I should have known from the beginning) and I was starting to loathe the not-so-demanding work I was doing. I was feeling worse every day and I knew something was going on. I felt tired, so tired of everything. I just wanted to rest, slow down. Spend my days on bed. And so, I went to the doctor, because I thought that maybe something about my health was not OK. At the end of the month I was diagnosed with depression and again, everything inside me changed. But the best part of this month? I finally found out what do I want to do with my future.

This Redemption Song says nothing related with my feelings at that moment but I listened to it a lot.

November: Cups – Anna Kendrick

November has two phases: The first ten days I felt like crap. Being diagnosed felt even worse than actually being depressed. I didn’t know how I had become so sad, I didn’t understand why. And I didn’t want to accept it. I hated this new me, so weak and unbalanced. Then I started to realize that in order to heal my heart and mind I needed to accept my new situation and work on feeling better. So the second phase of November consists on me working on me: I started go swimming, spent time with friends more often, indulged myself, went to see the therapist, looked for ways of keeping anxiety at bay without involve any drugs, I started my singing lessons again… But I still spent too much time feeling bad and thinking about it.

Fortunately there were good things too. A guitarist asked me to try singing with him (Oh thank God!), we met a couple of times for rehearsing and we are rehearsing again when I come back home after the finals. And the most beautiful and sweet minded person showed his interest for me. Somehow, I managed to appreciate the good things that happened.

The soundtrack? Well, I challenged myself and spent many hours learning how to sing it.

December: Love Interruption – Jack White

I completely love this song and it sort of explains how I felt, and in fact feel, about love. I was enjoying my dates with Mr Sweet and I liked him a bunch but I was scared. I decided to let it go, to don’t worry about the future, to just enjoy the moment. But I was starting to feel anxious about my finals and this unbalanced me again, I started arguing with my family and started to ask him for too much attention too soon. And that was too bad. And then I came to Valencia for the finals season.

In conclusion: Even though 2014 has been a tough year, I changed my life and grew up a little, I initiated my path to a better understanding of my own person and that’s something to celebrate! (Let’s see the positive in the negative, cha know?)

You can listen to the complete playlist here if you want.

Happy Monday!

Mood’s Music #6: Creep

A few months ago I posted a short text saying how tired I felt without any reason and I stopped being around for a while. Then, lots of things happened: I went to the doctor to see if there was anything wrong, they asked me lots of questions, they did a complete check, they found nothing at all, they sent me to the psychologist, she asked me a tone of questions (again) and at the end, I was diagnosed with depression.

At first I didn’t understand anything: ME? DEPRESSION? Oh no, that’s not possible… I’m such a strong-minded girl! But… You know what? Maybe being sad is not bad, sometimes we need to mourn, not only people but also events. And the fact of putting your feelings in a metal box and hide it on the darkest corner of your heart never helps mourning.

Being strong is also being capable of analyse and understand your feelings. Being strong is to stand face to face with those things that make you feeling bad. Being strong is to embrace when you’re feeling Creep and allow yourself draw out that sadness.

Now that I am feeling better (meaning that I have more good days than bad ones) I realize that the worst part was being diagnosed. When the doctor told me about my condition it was a big strike, once I accepted it and started working on my feelings and the reasons why I was so sad there was a big progress on my mood.

So, today I want to invite you: If you ever feel creep, embrace it, talk about it with someone (professional help or a friend, I’ve been doing both), analyse it, but don’t overdo, get to the core of the problem and start working on solve it. But also keep in mind you have to be ready to face the problem and you’ll never solve anything if you aren’t willing to.

Now, if you ever (EVER) need to talk, I’ll be round here. Sometimes talking with people who’s going to understand or with a complete stranger is easier than with our close ones. Send me an email and I’ll be glad of hearing about you.

Let’s start enjoying life.

Happy 2015, Resolutions and I am back again!

So, it’s been a long time since my last post. Too many weeks if you ask me, but what’s first goes first and I needed the pause. But, as lately I’ve been feeling with a lot much energy than before I thought the timing was correct and as they say around here: “Año nuevo, vida nueva”, which means New Year, New Life. Well, starting a year is a good way of getting new habits isn’t it? So here I am, on the way of trying it!

Now, how was your night? Did you celebrate with closed ones? I spent it with the whole family and after midnight went out with my sisters and some friends… And yes, I came back home reeeeeally late. In fact, I’ll be probably sleeping by the time you read this post.

As it couldn’t be different, with the new year come the so lovely “Resolutions”. The ones we aaaaalways want to keep and then usually forget two weeks later…

In order to avoid it, this year I want to keep things simple, only 12 resolutions that include work, this blog and leisure time, some of them really easy to achieve, others a little bit more demanding:

Now, what about you? Did you make any resolutions this year?

Have a nice day and HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all!!!!

Mood’s Music #5: Changing

 

On one of my last posts I told you I was going to share here the reasons why I’ve been so absent the last couple of months… I’v already said that there have been a lot of changes, changes that I’m still digesting and changes that have not ended yet.

Since Mr Funny and I split our paths at the beginning of the year, my life has been in a spiral of changes that are leading me to what I hope will be my brilliant future. I’ve finished my degree (that’s not completely true but almost, I only have a couple subjects left), I’ve come back home, I’ve spent the summer working at an office, I’ve decided to start a business (surprise, surprise!)

So, my life has changed so much since January! I’m still getting used to be at home again, to work in something non-math related, to have an 8 hour workday and not spend looong hours studying. I’m still getting used to the cold of the mountains instead of the heat of Valencia, still missing my friends from there and reconnecting with my friends from here.

What I find most shocking is the way it feels so scary and at the same time fulfilling. I feel insecure, I don’t really know if I’m doing it right, but, at the same time, I feel brave. Mixed emotions that make me live everything more intensely, so much that sometimes is even frightening.

Today I came up with a song in this mood: change. This song describes more or less the way I’ve been feeling lately. Hope you enjoy!

Enjoy your Thursday!

100 Happy Days

So, if you’ve been following my Instagram latelly sure you noticed that I’ve been posting a photo every day with the hasthtag #100HAPPYDAYS.

For those who have not heard yet about this interesting initiative, last March I entered the 100 Happy Days Challenge, which consists on posting every day a picture with something that makes you happy. Why? Well, to focus on positive things about your life and not lose sight of the tiny things that make us happy.

I finished the challenge last Saturday and thought it would be fun to share with you some of my impressions: Throughout the entire challenge I found relatively easy to find what to photograph and also it surprised me the way we take for granted the tiny things that make us happy. There were days I had to think a lot about the photo, there were really bad days when I wasn’t in the mood of being happy, but it helped me focus on positive things and I always ended up finding the correct post.

I made a mosaic with all the pictures I took, realized I counted the same number twice a couple of times, that is I really made 102 happy days,  I made some beautiful pics, I repeated the same topics all challenge long, and stayed really positive for those 100 days. So if your life is being a little messy or you feel inexplicable sad, join this beautiful challenge and start to focus on positive things. 100% recommended.

And now, what? Well, it’s been less than a week since I finished and for now it seems to me that I’m still focusing on the beautiful things of my life… Let’s see how long it lasts. I can always start over!

If you’re thinking on joining the challenge or already did it, let me know and I’ll be following you.

Have a beautiful Thursday!